On March 21, 2015, I finally got to tell my soul's mate all the things I've always felt for him in front of all of the people who truly love and care for us. Surreal. I think that's the word you're supposed to use for moments like this. Moments that are finally real and present, but are not what you imagined them to be, because you cannot imagine feeling a way you've never felt - like suddenly everything in your life has stopped, all of the haphazardly strewn about pieces of who you are have come together, and you are finally complete. It is hard to say that you need someone, but in these moments, you do. You need them because they are so much a part of you; not in the sense that merely their presence makes you happy, but literally in the sense that living simply feels more like living now rather than motions and tics on a clock. You see life in a different lens. Colors are more vivid and every emotion is more deeply felt simply because you and they are alive and you are alive together.
That's how I feel every moment I'm with him.
From the moment I woke up on our wedding day, to right now in this moment, I found it difficult to stop crying. It's not necessarily a happy cry or a sad or nervous one. The only way I can ever explain those cries is to say that you feel so much that literally your body doesn't know how to contain it. You cry in disbelief because you don't know what you ever could have done to get everything you ever wished for.
There were moments when I would sit and think that he was on the other side of the wall from me, a few feet and inches away. And I don't know how to explain those moments or how I was feeling. I would cry and think, he's right there. Everything I ever wanted. We exchanged letters to each other, me on one side of a door, him on the other. I think that was my first hard cry of the day! (There were many! Haha!) I suppose I felt simply overwhelmed and in disbelief. How could any of this be possible?
In all of the planning and the chaos and all of the stress, truly, the only moment that mattered to me is the moment we said our vows and dedicated our lives to each other. I couldn't even hear the music as I walked down the aisle. For the entire day, all I wanted to do was just look at him. He comforts me in a way I can't describe. He calms all of the noise inside and outside of me. It's ironic, sort of, that your most anxious day is the one day you can't have the one person that quiets it all for you. But the wait was so worth it.
I turned the corner to walk down the aisle and immediately searched for him. It was over for me. I was a bumbling mess. He was just so handsome in every way possible. He is everything I've ever waited for and this moment was everything I ever wanted, and it was here, and there I was and there he was. I think that may have been the longest walk of my life. I just wanted to feel and be present. I can't explain what I saw in his eyes. But I felt safe. Like I was where I needed to be. It didn't help my crying that he was also crying.
I felt so connected in that moment. It was truly the best part of the entire day. It was the one moment when it was just us. Just us. Words can't explain it, but I hope I remember this feeling forever.
He is my soul's mate. The light to my dark. The quiet, the calm, the silence when the world is too much. He is the reason life is worth living to see another day, if those days are spent forever with him.
Forever will never be long enough to share all the love I have for you. But I promise to spend forever and a million more forevers trying to do just that.
I love you, TZ.
Our life begins here.
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound
Thank you to my cousin, Rani for capturing this moment.
I've been absent from the blog, because I've been busy getting married! =) I apologize if this blog makes little sense. I wanted to quickly write down how I feel right now so I never forget. I want to remember this day and these feelings forever.