If you have thoughts of suicide, please call 1 (800) 273-8255 to reach the National Suicide Crisis Hotline, or call 911. Please know, admitting help is not a failure. Life can be beautiful, you just have to live it first.
Should sadness be a spectrum I suppose I am drifting somewhere between 7 and 8 (out of 10).
Empty Ache. An interesting way to describe the infinite folding in of oneself. Inward and inward, infinitely.
What happens is that one feels trapped in a box that looks like a body.
Feeling like the brain is a parasite to the body, its host.
So much is controlled in the brain. So much.
And what is strange, is feeling as if the brain has trouble cooperating with itself.
I feel very much like I am apart from myself.
And yes, it is strange.
I imagined that everyone felt this way, but I am learning now this is not the case. Perhaps there is someone out there, perhaps I am not the only one - but I have felt so alone for so many things, it is hard to feel optimistic that this should be different. But maybe it shall.
If I am learning one thing it is that life is wholly unpredictable.
Where I was a year ago, and a year before that, never would I have imagined this -
Being changed altogether. Being aware I was something else. Being, different.
It is strange, I have always felt like “Kristine.”
In this moment, it is strange to know I must be Kristine, and yet, I do not feel like her. I do not feel like I am on the same path that she was. I feel like perhaps my life has come to a fork - that in some alternate universe, I am still on the same trajectory Kristine was on and maybe she is happy there.
But here, me, here, unsure of who I am, I don’t know if I am happy. I don’t know what I am. I just know I am different.
That is hard. That, I think, is the empty ache. Existence and non-existence. Being. Empty being. Locked in a motion. Host and Parasite, thinking together.
I liked my life. Sometimes, anyway.
Perhaps I shall like this life too.
Outward and outward, ever outward.
Perhaps I shall be okay.